Light of Life
by Snow Duchess
Summary: The moment the light within me faded, I felt the ice of my bane flood the once soothing warmth that had surrounded that light. A brief study of the catalyst to Celes' betrayal.


Light of Life

_Disclaimer: All rights belong to Squaresoft._

_Summary: A different look at the catalyst for Celes' coldness and her betrayal of the Empire._

_Warning: Not a happy story._

Monthly medical exams were standard for Magitek Knights. Professor Cid wanted to be certain the infusion wasn't causing damage or deteriorating prematurely in its hosts. Blood work, urinalysis, hormone levels, and physical examinations were among the mandatory checkups to be performed. Being the first perfected test subject of the infusion process, these exams were especially important for me to undergo.

Personally, I hated them.

It was, of course, not comforting when my doctor, Melissa Melnick, found some abnormalities in the blood and hormone tests. I had to stay in her office while further tests were performed to find the exact origin of said oddities. When she came back in the room, I didn't like the look on her face.

"General…" Melissa put a hand on my shoulder. "Celes, you're with child."

All breath in my lungs were spent on one brilliant word worthy of an Imperial general. "Huh?"

The doctor merely looked at me with sympathy. She knew the implications even if I wasn't yet coherent enough to think of them myself. A general of the Empire was pregnant. That isn't the sort of thing that can be kept secret.

Especially from the emperor.

"It's Leo's, isn't it?" It wasn't really a question, and I nodded my head. "You do realize that I'm obligated to report this to Professor de la Vega, and that he in turn will have to report this to His Excellency…?"

Again, I nod. My mouth had become too dry to form words. I left Melissa's office at that point. Walking dazedly back to my suite, certain realizations began cutting through the fog in my mind. I was seventeen, a general for barely a year, and now I was pregnant. Any other soldier would simply be dishonorably discharged.

Not me.

Not a general.

A Magitek Knight.

The emperor's favorite, no less.

In my case, one of two things would happen, and I really didn't want to think about either. Thinking about it would lead to becoming emotional, becoming emotional would lead to crying, and crying wasn't allowed.

Not for me.

Not a general.

Though I didn't remember how I got there, I found myself standing outside the door to my room. I must've been staring at it for a while because the voice that came from behind me sounded amused.

"Trying to make the door open with just your mind?"

"Hey Leo," I said, snapping back to reality.

I swiped my security card—which was apparently already in my hand—and entered my suite. Leo followed me in, long past needing an invitation. He studied me a moment before speaking.

"You okay?"

"Fine," I lied. Of course, that never worked with him. It usually just made him more worried.

"Something Dr. Melnick told you?"

"I'm pregnant."

I think my bluntness startled him, and when that wore off, the actual meaning hit home. Basically, all I got was a blank stare. Then, "Huh?"

Hmph. Maybe it's contagious. "I know the feeling."

Without another word, I walked into my bedroom and curled up on my bed. A few minutes later, a warm body crawled up behind me and snaked an arm around my waist. I could tell he desperately wanted to say something, anything, and yet had no idea _what_ to say. So, we lay in silence, eventually succumbing to sleep's embrace.

A few hours later, a knock on the door woke us. Warily, I opened it, revealing a sentry clad in crimson robes and helm: one of the emperor's elite guards.

"Lady Celes, His Excellency requests your immediate presence."

I fought the impulse to cringe. The Elitists were only sent as escorts for matters deemed the highest priority on the emperor's agenda. The nausea I had been feeling suddenly took on a very different source.

He knew.

"Of course," I replied.

I began to follow the messenger out, but Leo grabbed my hand. The look we shared conveyed more emotions than I believed myself capable of feeling, among them love, shame, and fear.

He squeezed my hand and smiled encouragingly. The smile I attempted to return came out more of a grimace.

"My Lady, please," the guard insisted.

The moment I entered the throne room, I felt like the walls were closing in. Respectfully, I knelt before him.

"Rise."

When I did, I stood silently, feeling I was standing trial, awaiting my sentence for execution. Nearly as unpleasant, I waited for my liege to speak the words every officer of the Empire dreaded.

"I'm disappointed in you, Celes."

And there they were. Until that moment, I hadn't given much thought to how much the words would affect me, but hearing them cut deeper than any blade. Already, tears stung my eyes, but I willed them away.

"You and Leo both vowed chastity at your christening," Gestahl continued. "Now I find you disobeyed me, and what's worse, that you're with child. You were not meant for this, Celes."

The words slipped out before I could bite down on them. "I wasn't meant for a lot of things, but that never seemed to matter."

I winced inwardly at the afflicted expression Gestahl had. Such candid statements of discontent were not something he was accustomed to. The ensuing confrontation was a snowball beginning its unstoppable roll down an icy slope.

"I had such high expectations for you, and you surpassed every single one of them!" the emperor recalled. "You were my perfect knight, Celes, excelling in everything you did, demolishing every challenge presented to you—"

"I did what I had to to survive," I countered, barely skirting an angry tone. "Yes, you're expectations were high and yes, I strove to meet them, but only because if I fell behind, I got punished for it. I couldn't afford to fail!"

"And as a result, you gained everything anyone has ever dreamed of. Power, fame, fortune… The whole of Vector worshipped the ground you walked on while men across the world trembled at your name. I thought you were happy!"

"I'm not sure I know what happy is," I whispered.

"I don't understand." Gestahl stood and placed a hand on my cheek. "I placed you above all others in my court, treated you as though you were my own daughter—"

"No," I barked resentfully. "You treated me like I was some toy manufactured in Cid's lab,"

Gestahl drew back as if burned. His gaze turned offended. "I gave you everything, Celes."

"_You took my childhood_!" Tears spilled from my eyes as my life's grief came tumbling out into the open. "You talk about giving me everything, but you took it all away! Everything I could've had, everything I could've been, you didn't even give me a choice! I devoted my entire life to you, gave _you _everything I was. I commanded your army, conquered nations for you, brought a continent to its knees in your name. I wielded an ungodly power that was forced onto me, forsaking any sense of honor I had left, and now you want to take away the one thing that makes me human!"

Gestahl fumed. "You were not meant to have a child, Celes!" he nearly bellowed.

I shook my head. "I didn't try for this!"

"That doesn't…!" Gestahl stopped himself and took a breath. He continued in a calmer tone. "That doesn't excuse what you did."

I looked away. "I know."

The emperor sat back down on his throne, folding his hands and resting his chin on them as he studied me. I, in turn, kept my eyes averted as I stared at the floor. Several minutes of silence passed in the space of an eternity.

Finally, he spoke. "Celes…you are right. I never gave you a choice in your path in life. I also never considered your feelings on the matter because I assumed that you had none." He sighed. Apologies were also not something he was accustomed to. "If you wish it, I will give you the choice for your child that you never had yourself."

My heart clenched, as I knew exactly what two options there were. Though his voice sounded sincere, Emperor Gestahl was a shrewd, devious man. I couldn't help but wonder if this was his punishment for me disobeying him: to make me choose one of the two fates that I had tried so hard not to think about.

Either the child would be born and forced into the same life of servitude I was in, or the child would not be born at all.

The hardest part was that I had known the answer even before he asked the question.

"What will it be, Celes?"

Tears streaked down my face anew. "I don't want my child to have the life I've had…to have her hands stained with blood…to hear the screams of those she's slain…"

Gestahl's expression was impassive. "Then you know what must be done." I could only nod. "I will make arrangements with Dr. Melnick."

I dropped to one knee and bowed my head before my liege.

"Celes…" He lifted my chin so that I would look into his eyes. His fatherly disposition had returned. "I would do this for no other. You know that, don't you, kitten?"

Silently, I nodded one last time as I didn't yet trust my voice.

He dismissed me, and I numbly returned to my suite. Leo was waiting for me, worry and dread in his eyes. My own eyes must have told him everything. Mutely, he crossed the room and pulled me into his embrace. Arms limp at my side, I merely rested my head against his shoulder.

Word got around. It was inevitable.

Said word wasn't accurate. Also inevitable.

It was those misconceptions that made me out to be even more the heartless bitch than before. Did they know I spent every night after that crying myself to sleep? Not likely.

Ice Queen, indeed.

Life, however, wasn't without irony.

The moment the light within me faded, I felt the ice of my bane flood the once-soothing warmth that had surrounded that light.

Faith was lost.

Loyalty shattered.

Benevolence vanished.

When the child within me died, my soul died with her.

In their wake, emotions were cut off, the armor was put on, and the shield was raised. Never again would I allow myself to be hurt, and never again would the ice around my lifeless heart thaw.

_End._


End file.
